There's a Reason I'll Be There

write i cannot, nothing will flow from my creativeness. try i do, yet the paper continues to be blank. no words, no scribbles. the river of words cannot flow without a heavy downpour of creative. so here i am, waiting, sitting. imagine that, a regular post, regular as in the generalization of a blog post. no normal for me. so i guess that makes it abnormal. even tried to create the next art piece to my personal canvas, but nothing gets out. i guess i closed the gate finally, and you know, i don't like it. if you design something, then you alone are the person to know its mistakes. motivation is also something that i currently lack, also not too happy about that. Billy Mac is staring at me from above, thanks miss capp. covering of my walls is pretty good, i like it, which is good cause i live here. masturbating alligators. scabbed over it has, still a bit tender, looks like dried clay upon my skin, yet black. miss sports games i do, miss the whole atmosphere. when shall i go back to see what they really have to work with, not sure. not going to go well, not a great team to create such a kick ass book. no one can top my pics, I'm 3 for 3 bitches, 2 national and 1 state. id say that's pretty damn good. time stopper i am, was, will be again. but now i have nothing. have to work my way back up. but the story begins when i say, when I'm ready. don't know when that will be, hopefully not long. my life as a whole is at a stand still, well most of it. not new interests, no further research on topics, everything has come to a halt. all but work. the has taken a step forward. yeah i guess. just means more work. but i can do it. comrades have left for others and education calls to them. embark on that journey they must. not my time. later it shall be. drop off the face of the map would be fun, Europe or Alaska? Europe is a huge change of pace. different culture would be great, ours isn't too great. and historicalyits horrible, fuck the Indians. found out i have some in me. they built huts, Romans built monuments to the gods, to government, to live. Europe it is for now, then later Alaska, in a cabin. just me. alone. solitude. nature. green and blue. night and day. to do what i will. rules i shall make. but that's way later. not now. not even close. only sing when I'm happy or in happy mood. people say I'm good. deaf are they? or is it me that is the deaf one? wish i could write lyrics. be nice. po-ta-to boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. have any of them felt this way? cant be alone with this, all different at different times. confessed the truth, feels great, lets people know you. gets you out there. but confess the secrets? no, cant. hate this desk i do. broken and covered in finder prints. wood is better, warmer. tears of blood fall from the eye. adhesive still stuck to my arm. wont come off. nothing will make it leave to find another place of residency. almost gone it is. when the lights go out, ill be ready. protection for myself i have. have the duty to call upon the others and create a clan. for protection against the forces. plans we have for the worst. me a leader? cant see it, yet i can. grown i have, taken over more. if no one will step up i shall. congregation of families to go to the one place we shall be safe. from the evil. with protection at our sides. tasks everyone shall have, to create a full village. jobs everyone shall have to sustain life out there. when shall the sun begin to rise over the horizon? when shall that day come? now i am in darkness, eyes open and covered still in darkness. just me? for now. crawl out i shall, but when shall the end of the tunnel come? cannot see the end. ill continue. i wish to see the light once more, one day it shall come. and i will once again fee the warmth upon my face. ships to carry you home. turn to silver glass. i need to get out of my room. stop being so isolated. i don't know any news, no time, no date. information i seek. informed i shall become again. i shall rise up. turning mistakes into gold. yet mistakes i haven't any. i guess you can only make mistakes if you take chances, get dirty. live. waste not what i have anymore. get the fuck on the bandwagon i shall. to live again. for me. myself. what i want. how i want it. but the question is, will you be there? i hope so, cause we all need a shoulder to lean on. everyone. how long will i have to climb my mountain? don't know. get to the top when i do. and a sight it shall be. get my head out of the sound i need to. and i shall. takes time. i have plenty of time. no one can say otherwise. force me to do anything i dare you to do. see how well that works for you. do the things i want. no matter how useless. Russian. German. Greek. cooking knowledge. history. writing style. the more i know the more i love. you don't like it, doesn't matter. its my life. i control it. never anyone else. ever. its mine to reign over. long live me! and rule i shall. learn forever more, anything and everything. nothing is pointless. everything has a meaning, just need to find it. call me what you will. i care not. i am me, and that wont change. for no one. cause? mine? to live. make what i can of life. fill my memory with happiness, love, people and places. it shall never end. so here i begin. begin to make anew. a new page. a new chapter. with fresh ink and a crisp page i begin. for you know, life is but a book to be written by its author, you.