Sigh

and yet i still

sit upon the floor

that has been so

cold and hurtful

now unchained

free and unclaimed

and yet i still sit

motionless on the floor

locked up long enough

and your places to escape to

vanish with your motivation

Tears of Dreams Begin to Fall

sleep now

for the night

shall not wait

close your eyes

for the darkness

spreads before you

lay still for the mares

of the night cannot

scare if you do not fear

listen not

for it is only the winds

singing gentle lullabies

sleep now

for time shall

not wait for you

Comfort Changes Into Something More

heart beating faster

under laying hand

breathing quickens

for required air

warmth is shared

between two bodies

closed eyes

mixed with contact

adrenaline flows

taking control

Found You

the setting of the sun
brings forth the burden
of the darkness
wish shall make
you think of where
you're eyes shall lie
once it arrives

i do it according to myself

it clicks in and rolls

for that's what i do

and by me it works

night begins and your

senses start up

your blood pumps

your eyes widen

hopping to let is what

little light there is for

the hunt has begun

a door slams

in a field of green

kissed by death

that lingers in

the closing shadows

struggling to get out

you're held back by

the cords that keep

your blood flowing

Hello Blankets that Make up my Bed, for I am Your Warmth.

Hello. Goodbye.
why can not one choose?
Here I am.
There I am.
Back to Here Again.
Everything Goes in a Circle.
Round in Circles.
Seen This Before?
See it Again You Shall.
It's Life.
So Until Then.
I'll Stay in the Now.
Another Time.
Another Place.
More to Come.
The Circle isn't Over quiet Yet.
Goodbye is Hello.
Goodbye for One.
Hello for Another.

Dreams

a single leaf lies upon

the murky ground

wetted to a point of

transparency by the

falling droplets of water

Crushed

walking on only toes

you try and sneak

through the halls

in which you use to walk

turn a corner

no one there

another and yet

nothing but absence

make your way

through the maze

that is what you do

all in silence

snag on the rug

your foot catches

everything that you

did to keep silent is gone

Past Gone

plane ticket out of here wold be great. starting to save. plan it out. have two choices. both lonely. one harder than the other. but then i have to come back if i go there. not allowed to stay. just want peace. but you cant have peace without war. the war shall end soon. its all under my control. as soon as i can get hold of myself. then ill be fine. until then? the tunnel is only getting darker. is there a light at the other end? does it lead anywhere or did the workers stop production of the tunnel before it was completed? i don't know. do you? life is a book. how many chapter will mine have? will it have spin offs? the first 18 chapter have been pretty boring. a broken tree falls in the yard. crushing the grass and smothering the dirt. bitter i have become. arguing and being negative about happiness to others. jealous that i don't have it? maybe. you have one quarter, who are you going to call? its not me. why would it be me? no reason for it. motivation. gone. lost. frozen. when is the play button going to be pressed? head in the past. cant last long. cant see the future when you are looking in the rear view mirror to see the road sign behind you. no point you already passed it. i can speak it. why cant i do it? if you climb the trees. be prepared to fall. gravity always wins. i sit in a grey room. and i have been there before. not a pleasant place to be. gun shot to the head. wrists cut. system full of too many drugs. how did they die? a puzzle it is. twenty-three is number one.

Follow the Red Light

thinking that you can

put your trust into

people, doesn't mean

that you should

you begin to think

that you know the people

that you choose

to associate with

just then you

will find out that

you were wrong

and you don't even know them

you put your trust

deep within them

tell them your secrets

let them into your head

and that's when

you feel it

a sharp pain

in your back

they take advantage

of you and mess

with your mind

leave you in the dark

you once said that

you would give

your life for them

sacrifice for them

but you never

would think that

they would be the ones

taking it from you

Tiny Dancers of Water

i don't want to know anyone anymore. i want the music to continue without a beat, yet it doesn't and wont. i want to restart my game. try the level over. no correction shall be made. jut the character that i choose to talk to to see what i may get. nothing good. bubble on the floor of a lake of molten wax. red in color. the smell of matches fills a room, only to cover up the smell of sex. reflective covers hide the eyes of the innocents. a flashing light indicated life while a non existant light provides death. a pain in the neck shows how much you care about you seat. flames are entertainers and will forever dance as long as they have a stage. audience matters not. a piano in the background sets the mood for the death of the piano player. small pictures are hidden upon the roots of the oldest trees. rooms without color hide their meaning. privacy is for secrets. the sound of a baby kills the monarchs in july. over thinking only get you killed. act in the moment and you shall proceed. yellow eyes in the dark are not real when in front of you. the question shouldn't be when, but why not now. eating paper gives you the knowledge of the oldest trees, so old are they. i want to be a different character, can i choose again? i think not. this life is all you get. don't fuck it up. humans are too busy with stupid shit to see the real problems. why cant we fix them now, why wait until the last moment? act now. but wait when you call within the next 5 minutes you get... a long conversation with a automated person from another country in which you cant understand them because of their accent. accents make people hotter, see label for details. dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair? cool wind, desert. no doesn't work. does a lovely place guarantee a lovely time? can time be altered? chemically yes. sweet summer sweat, play on words or just to confuse? kill the beast and when you do, you shall be removed from this altered world. it was too cold to cry. you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave. verbal punishment beats psychical punishment. see what i did there. oh the power of a piano. all i have known is gone, make anew i shall have to. close your eyes and feel the cold air on your skin. listen to your breathing and think of the great. have any of them felt this way? i can keep asking. my world will never be the same, and you are to blame. thank you. for everything. for nothing. for all. when you want a candy bar do you wait for your mom to bring you one home, no you go and buy one from the store. don't wait. the moment might pass. a thin layer of wax coats the lake of frost. you may not mind, but i do and its starting to get to me now. born into a world of death and corruption. unless you work in a courtroom, you shouldn't be judging. if atlas is holding the world, where in the world is... carmon san diego, no. where is his body touching the earth? ahhh. hook. line. sinker. we're going down captain. the lower compartments are filling up with water, too much for them to hold, too much for us to stay afloat. wait you're not the captain, where is he? he left 10 minutes ago after he ran the ship into an iceberg. what happened to going down with the ship? i don't think he read that chapter. the milky water becomes a grave. lost. forgotten. gone. never to come back. french vanilla? vanilla doesn't grow in france, what makes it french. that's cheating now the french are just putting their name on things. i mean look at.... holy shit judas, i figured it out. ever since they figured they couldn't claim the world for theirs they started to claim things as theirs, but putting their name on it so we will always be reminded of the french. fries: dead, captured, gone. toast: drowned in milk and egg and stuck with a flag, vanilla: now taken by the french. its all over, and all food related. fatass. harpoon. no ice cream for you. today isn't your day. and go.its almost complete. speeding off an off ramp. we're coming in too fast.....

Progress

its like a drug
once i get my hands on it
and get it into my system
i get a surge through my body
a sense of power
that takes over

its free, if you know how
all you have to do
is know the right people
or be in the right place
at the right time

i need more
more to quench the craving
the control that it has
over my body, it does
what it pleases to me

so i will forever
need more of it
to complete my feeling
of withdrawals that
overcome my body
letting me know
i need, not want it

Silence Follows

wish i could start over
not for my mistakes
for they have taught me things
things i would have never
found out any other way

start over to stay away
and choose wisely
of the people i talk to
and get close to
mostly pain it has caused
pain i cant take
pain that eats away at my brain

start over i wish i could
yet I'm stuck on this level
and the only way out
is a game over

everything we do is motivated by something

whether it be money or love or experimentation

we base everything in our lives by a reason

a reason to go left or right, stay or go

not all the reasons are good ones

they lead to pain, letting us learn

what is good and bad, black and white

you can tell what one is really thinking

by the actions they choose to take

or not take, louder than their words they are

the true meaning comes out with an action

Poe in the Field

Scorpions had it right, there's no one like you
talk we can for hours on end
about nothing at all
jumping from one topic to another
only to fill up time

you found me broken on the side of the road
took me in you did
reconstructed me into something new
someone i didn't know
yet i learned to love them
because deep down it was the true me
and that is how i shall be

i can say i will miss all the times we shared
and still it wont bring you back
nothing can do that, not now
now only digital chats we do have
live with it i have to

there is and will never be another of you
the mold was broken after its first use
one of a kind you are
someone that i can say that i loved
and love forever more, says the raven

Tell it Like it Is

nothing i can do. i cant let it all out like i would like to. words wont flow, like i have said. i cant be the person i want. i cant do the things i want to. i cant stand up for myself. my life kinda sucks right now. people are leaving. friends are gone. i cant even talk to the one person that i feel comfortable to talk about anything with. its complete, I'm finally a slave in life. all i have left are the thoughts of wanting to do something else, something i want. yet i stand here and do nothing as i watch the slave owners clamp shackles on me. I'm scared for whats to come. i find no enjoyment in what i use to. not conversations. not books. not research. not games. not writing. not music. not singing. I'm broken and the tape wont hold long. I'm going down to a deep dark place i have been before, no not the mines of Moria, but worse, far worse. somewhere i wish never again to see. yet that's where my one stop ticket is leading to. i cant even express how i feel about this right now. i cant find words. tired of life. tired of being sad. i see no point. funny, when you see everyday as beautiful, no matter the weather. use to be happy all the time. was it like a drug? was i bound to crash? is it balance for the universe? this hate is building up inside me, and one day it will blow, erupt, spew. the pressure is building. thought about many things recently to cause a game over. waste my last life? don't know. don't know. end of transmission

Far From Here

how long does one have to wait. wait for a time that may never come? life is in your hands, to change and create how you want it to be. yet what happens if you have no motivation to change, while the world around you does. everything you have ever known, changing forever. never to be the same. what happens then? end? my life is an hourglass on the edge of a table. anything has the poser to push it off. allowing gravity to take hold and bring it crashing to the ground. what is there to stop it, when the room you are in is empty? what meaning is there to fulfill a life that is empty, feels cold, and dark. is there to be hope? is there a saviour? anyone? am i to wonder this planet alone, until i meet new people so that they can change and leave too? what purpose does that have? tape can only hold together broken pieces for so long. then once again it break apart in your hands. something that shall continue on through life. people change, why cant i? why cant i grow? my body ages yet my mind is here, stuck in time. motionless. what meaning is there? I'm broken and the tape isn't holding.

There's a Reason I'll Be There

write i cannot, nothing will flow from my creativeness. try i do, yet the paper continues to be blank. no words, no scribbles. the river of words cannot flow without a heavy downpour of creative. so here i am, waiting, sitting. imagine that, a regular post, regular as in the generalization of a blog post. no normal for me. so i guess that makes it abnormal. even tried to create the next art piece to my personal canvas, but nothing gets out. i guess i closed the gate finally, and you know, i don't like it. if you design something, then you alone are the person to know its mistakes. motivation is also something that i currently lack, also not too happy about that. Billy Mac is staring at me from above, thanks miss capp. covering of my walls is pretty good, i like it, which is good cause i live here. masturbating alligators. scabbed over it has, still a bit tender, looks like dried clay upon my skin, yet black. miss sports games i do, miss the whole atmosphere. when shall i go back to see what they really have to work with, not sure. not going to go well, not a great team to create such a kick ass book. no one can top my pics, I'm 3 for 3 bitches, 2 national and 1 state. id say that's pretty damn good. time stopper i am, was, will be again. but now i have nothing. have to work my way back up. but the story begins when i say, when I'm ready. don't know when that will be, hopefully not long. my life as a whole is at a stand still, well most of it. not new interests, no further research on topics, everything has come to a halt. all but work. the has taken a step forward. yeah i guess. just means more work. but i can do it. comrades have left for others and education calls to them. embark on that journey they must. not my time. later it shall be. drop off the face of the map would be fun, Europe or Alaska? Europe is a huge change of pace. different culture would be great, ours isn't too great. and historicalyits horrible, fuck the Indians. found out i have some in me. they built huts, Romans built monuments to the gods, to government, to live. Europe it is for now, then later Alaska, in a cabin. just me. alone. solitude. nature. green and blue. night and day. to do what i will. rules i shall make. but that's way later. not now. not even close. only sing when I'm happy or in happy mood. people say I'm good. deaf are they? or is it me that is the deaf one? wish i could write lyrics. be nice. po-ta-to boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. have any of them felt this way? cant be alone with this, all different at different times. confessed the truth, feels great, lets people know you. gets you out there. but confess the secrets? no, cant. hate this desk i do. broken and covered in finder prints. wood is better, warmer. tears of blood fall from the eye. adhesive still stuck to my arm. wont come off. nothing will make it leave to find another place of residency. almost gone it is. when the lights go out, ill be ready. protection for myself i have. have the duty to call upon the others and create a clan. for protection against the forces. plans we have for the worst. me a leader? cant see it, yet i can. grown i have, taken over more. if no one will step up i shall. congregation of families to go to the one place we shall be safe. from the evil. with protection at our sides. tasks everyone shall have, to create a full village. jobs everyone shall have to sustain life out there. when shall the sun begin to rise over the horizon? when shall that day come? now i am in darkness, eyes open and covered still in darkness. just me? for now. crawl out i shall, but when shall the end of the tunnel come? cannot see the end. ill continue. i wish to see the light once more, one day it shall come. and i will once again fee the warmth upon my face. ships to carry you home. turn to silver glass. i need to get out of my room. stop being so isolated. i don't know any news, no time, no date. information i seek. informed i shall become again. i shall rise up. turning mistakes into gold. yet mistakes i haven't any. i guess you can only make mistakes if you take chances, get dirty. live. waste not what i have anymore. get the fuck on the bandwagon i shall. to live again. for me. myself. what i want. how i want it. but the question is, will you be there? i hope so, cause we all need a shoulder to lean on. everyone. how long will i have to climb my mountain? don't know. get to the top when i do. and a sight it shall be. get my head out of the sound i need to. and i shall. takes time. i have plenty of time. no one can say otherwise. force me to do anything i dare you to do. see how well that works for you. do the things i want. no matter how useless. Russian. German. Greek. cooking knowledge. history. writing style. the more i know the more i love. you don't like it, doesn't matter. its my life. i control it. never anyone else. ever. its mine to reign over. long live me! and rule i shall. learn forever more, anything and everything. nothing is pointless. everything has a meaning, just need to find it. call me what you will. i care not. i am me, and that wont change. for no one. cause? mine? to live. make what i can of life. fill my memory with happiness, love, people and places. it shall never end. so here i begin. begin to make anew. a new page. a new chapter. with fresh ink and a crisp page i begin. for you know, life is but a book to be written by its author, you.

Home, Where I Wanted to Go

there is a great reason why your friends are your friends. you get along with them, you live with them, you do everything with them. you can trust them, you can love them, you can talk to them.you find things in common with them, you grow closer to them than anyone. they are people you can fall back on when you fall hard, when you need a shoulder to cry on. that is the reason for friends. boyfriends and girlfriends come and go. you meet them, you chat with them, you get to know each other for one reason, for love. to never be lonely at night. to fill you with warmth. a relationship will never last forever, people change and people leave. if you push all your friends away, then who are you to fall back on? who is it that is going to help you back up? we all fall, why, to learn to pick ourselves back up. but when there is no one to give you a hand up, what meaning is there? life takes help, encouragement, and most of all friendship to get you through the hard times we all go through.

What Can You See?

stand in the rain

and it shall wash me away

as if made of nothing but sand

each grain to be encased in water

to flow away to reach another land

so there it may have the opportunity

to rebuild itself and make anew

Ink on the Canvas

my canvas was itching

to become what it wanted

time it took for the design

and came out sharp it did

pencil and paper was done

the sketch was complete

the canvas was itching for it

the next step was the ink

to make it permanent

forever lasting upon me

my canvas needed it feel

to be able to be closer

closer to completion

was within my power

between lips it escaped

the confirmation between think and do

my canvas sits before me

staring me back in my eye

a power grin upon my face

my canvas has been stained

a marking has been left

for the many years to come

shown upon me, my canvas

for any who wish to see

thoughts that linger

call upon empty spaces

filled they shall be

in the coming time

A Novel

if something out of nowhere were to happen to me tomorrow, would i still linger in your head? what is it i have accomplished that has the power to engrave itself into your head? what is it i have done that is so special? life is random and can choose at anytime to rid of any of us. so will you remember me, will you cry over a "loss" or will you be like any other person on this world and continue to live? what will you have to remember me by? a memory, a thought, a smile on the street, service in a store? life may pass but can we be remembered?

What it Was is No More

"Me and all my friends, we're all misunderstood, they say we stand for nothing and there's no way we ever could" John Mayer

we were drawn together

from all over the map

one by one we did meet

and what meetings they were

we all became close and

our evenings became full

memories began to grow

bonds were written

upon the stony earth we

walk upon all together

by slip of mouth

a name was created

and it shall

never be forgotten

names were thrown around

within and ended up sticking

outside speculations arose

and judgement had happened

words began to escalate

into unspeakable profane hurt

and the periods of congregation

grew forever further apart

in our wake things

shall be remembered

songs and videos

late nights and sugar galore

times of adventure and surprise

talk mixed with no sleep

the conversations and games

that knew no bounds

forever shall we all remember

forever shall we converse

upon the memories of friendship

Long Live the Facakes

Help! I Need Somebody

its happening again, I'm loosing myself

i cant stop it, i have no hand in it

but why cant i, its my life

do i choose this for myself

or is there a deeper meaning

meaning or not, its still happening

yet again i am slipping away

away from the ones i love

the ones i care about

and love to be around

i don't know what to do anymore

i have nothing

i wish to do nothing

i find no motivation to do anything

not read, not create not even write

music no longer holds its sway upon me

and it all saddens me

alone i feel and too lost

to even recover from this

deep dark abyss that i now slumber in

Kapitel eins oder fünf?

who are you?



names are of no importance, but on the other hand, names we give ourselves reflect us more than ever. so therefore I an known as the Boss.



OK, what do you want?



i want you to be here at the date and time specified, don't miss it.



the Boss hands her a card



why should i?



why shouldn't you, chance of a lifetime, you only see it once.



looking at the card, the Boss disappears before she can ask the Boss anything more



-----------------------------



sitting at a table cluttered with guns, a man works on cleaning one of many, a woman walks in



hey Boss



we will be having a new addition to our duo. i want you to meet them outside when they get here and then show them around. tell them nothing of what we do, you know the code.



we're expanding?



yes, will make things easier on us both.



OK, and if they start asking questions?



make something up, you're good at that.



a smirk erupts on his face as the Boss walks out of the room



----------------------------



walking outside, the man stands around waiting for the person to show up. a giant empty lot surrounds the house, and there isn't a living soul around for miles



fuck it's hot out here and i forgot my sunglasses,...oh well.



a woman walks around the corner with nothing but a bag over her shoulder



excuse me, do you know where....



this damn heat better leave soon, it's no good for anyone, i mean.....



HEY! you know where this is?



my mistake, wasn't paying attention. welcome, although i didn't think that i was waiting for a woman.



you got a problem with that? cause i don't need you to waste my time.



well you're straight down to business aren't you, that will save time and come in useful



listen, I'm looking for someone who goes by the name Boss, gave me this card and told me to be here, well...now.



and here i am, taking the time to welcome you. I'm Weasel and, you ready for this cause here it comes, welcome... to the Fortress.



I'm Gust.... and i believe thats all you need to know. that mustang over there run?



i take it you're a car person at least?



all my life.



very useful indeed. no it doesn't, not for a long time. but why need it... when you have what we got.



what is it that you have?



why don't we start at the beginning,... let me show you around.